An 11-year-old Utah boy told investigators that, from October to November of last year, his mother’s boyfriend made him stand in the corner without moving, except to go to the bathroom, eat, and sleep. If he moved otherwise, the boyfriend would allegedly punch him in the head or hit him with a belt; the boy told authorities he was hit every night of this period, and that one night he was hit with the belt 51 times. Now the boyfriend, Anthony Berardi, 28, and the mother, Amanda Ramirez, 29, have been charged, KSL reports.
According to court documents, Ramirez watched and did not prevent the beatings; she allegedly told police, “We are both enforcing my rules.” It’s not clear how the two were caught, but an arrest warrant was issued for Berardi on Jan. 21 and he was booked into jail on Friday. Both have been charged with 10 counts of child abuse.
source: http://www.newser.com/story/202796/cops-couple-made-boy-11-continually-stand-in-corner.html
This is a slightly severe case, where you’re already judging the mother, but do you know you could also be abusing your child without even realising it?
Do you know what is abuse?
We associate the term ‘abuse’ typically to physical and sexual abuse. But do you know that abuse can be emotional abuse, substance abuse, neglect can also be abuse, humiliation and even over regimentation is a form of abuse. Even, I was taken aback when I learnt that neglect and over regimentation can be a form of abuse. I am not bringing this up as a figment of my imagination, but recently I attended a workshop with counsellors, occupational therapists and special educators and this formed a very important part of the workshop.
(Source: Vachon DD, Krueger RF, Ragosch FA, Cicchetti D. Comparable consequences across different forms of child maltreatment. JAMA Psychiatry. 2015.)
As parents do we even realise that we might be abusing them in some way?
I didn’t! And some of us reading this article might not too. We have not learnt parenting by the book, but have picked it up along our way, from our parents, from our peers and through experimentation. While we grew up in a regimented household and have done well for ourselves, we try and apply the same theories to our kids. ‘ My word is the last word’, ‘because mommy says so’, ‘this is no way to behave’, ‘do you have any brains?’ and many such countless examples stand with us. Now we didn’t have as much exposure as kids or demands. We were expected to do well academically and that’s it. I don’t remember my parents shuttling me from one class to another for my extracurricular activities. If I was good at music and told them, they would get me a home tutor. They didn’t expect me to be an all rounder and I fared well. I did have my share of pressure to do well in academics, which is nothing compared to our kids who are expected to do well in academics, sports, performing arts and more. Moreover, we little or no engagement with our kids. We might be around them all the time, but on our smart devices, or chatting away with someone on the phone. I have found myself, often preoccupied.
You might argue that I am over analysing and your kids are growing up perfectly fine or now start self-doubting your parenting methods.
Or maybe your child is being bullied/ abused outside home.
What are the signs you can look out for to know that you are not going in the right direction?
- Fearfulness, anxiety, “clinginess” • Aggression, “acting out” (externalizing feelings)
• Aggression, “acting out” (externalizing feelings)
• Poor self-esteem, depression (internalizing feelings)
• Regression to an earlier developmental stage (temporary) e.g. bedwetting, thumb sucking.
• PTSD; hyper-vigilance • Nightmares, sleep disturbances
• Emotional numbing, dissociation, “spacing out”
• Trust and boundary issues
• Feelings of anger, shame, helplessness, anxiety, confusion, guilt, sadness
So if you see most boxes ticked above, you should take a step back. Don’t tell your kid if he is having a nightmare, you’re a sissy! Don’t shout back at your kids, if they are being aggressive! If they lie to you don’t judge them!
Rather, accept their issues and work on them and if you can’t resolve them on your own, then seek expert help. Maybe your child just needs your understanding, a hug, an encouraging smile. As parents, we don’t realise that how much we affect our kids and then often tend to ignore these signs. Urge all parents to please Stand Up and take Notice!! Afterall, we only want what’s best for our kids.
The way parents treat their child will great affect their kid’s attitude and behavior when they grow up! I remember a friend who has an abusive father and he always approach me every time he feel so down… he really has a low self esteem and I feel so sorry for him. If his father is treating him well, he could have been a happy guy!
I hope all parents are responsible enough to give what their kids need and it’s more than just money or any material possession. A quality time is actually good enough to show your kids how much you love and value them!
Thanks for sharing
Thank you for this, these are thins that parents may over look but yes, it is important to be able to make the child feel that he/she has a choice and that they can speak their mind.
I believe that verbal abuse on a child is more dangerous than physical abuse. Children learn very fast and even if they don’t show the signs at a young age, they will once they grow up. That’s when the fear and the lack of self esteem will start ruining their lives and make them unable to develop healthy relationships. Parents should love their children and realize when they are wrong, as most of the blunders children do are from playing. Children never mean bad, unless they are thought to fear. Children lie because they are afraid of the consequences.
I grew up in a very traditional family and was disciplined by kneeling on salt, being yelled at sometimes when I do not listen. But my parents never scold me in public, and if they somehow do, they always patch things up with me and have us write our mistakes as a form of reminder.
Child abuse. The most common form of child abuse is abusive words. Words that threaten children. Some parents would say, if you do not stop, I will leave this house forever.
So true, sometimes you don’t even realise how reprimanding words can scar them for life
This is sick!!! How can a parent, to top it all a mother do and witness such things… my heart bleeds ya!!!
mine too, Archi!
That was a tough story to read at the beginning of the post. It makes my heart hurt. Thanks for the information. I think it is always good to step back and look at how you parent and try to do better. Hopefully, that way we can stop stories like this from happening to children.
Alison, I felt for the kid too. Sometimes, when you bring out examples like these, is when you catch attention of the parents.
Not sure how I feel about that last one but this post was great! Thank you for sharing your knowledge and perspective
Good that you bring this up! So important. I hate child abuse. Here in Sweden it’s forbidden to hit your children and you should always use the calm way to talk to your children. Good article. Happy that you wrote about this!
http://www.sofarsosabine.com
Thank Sabine, in some countries including India, we tend to scold a lot to discipline. To each his own, but these are good indicators to figure out if parents have crossed a child’s threshold.
Thank you so much for sharing this post with us. I believe that kids should never have to go through bad parenting. Unfortunally, that’s impossible. That’s why I wanna adopt a kid some day. I hope that this post drives atention to some parents and they can see what they’re doing wrong.
That is so wonderful of you.
This is very nice reminder for all the parents. My son is 9 months old and I can’t still discipline or teach him yet but I’m hoping and also practicing myself not to be abusive mother to my child.
This post really hit home and I am happy you posted it. Things are now coming to light with this generation of how previous parenting practices really messed kids up. You have to be on their side, or it might not end well. Again, thank you for posting.
My father is strict when it comes to discipline. I experience a lot of things. But thanks to him, I become a good person because of his beliefs.
Our parents only want the best in us. Disciplining and putting boundaries is important, but if goes far beyond, then the signs that I have mentioned, that’s when you know you have gone beyond and need to correct yourself and try some other method.
Prerna you make a very valid point here. We knowing or unknowingly do these things without thinking of their repercussions
We are thinking we are correcting them, but our words, our acts are affecting them too much.
Very often parents become the biggest enemies of children with their ignorance and attitudes.
Absolutely, mostly they are harming the kids on the pretext of being a disciplinarian. That’s why this post to make them realise.
Really Fantastic Post,
Actually here i read lot of things which are relate to many people here and they must need to understand all small dots of life because they will surely connect with us in future in any condition .
So we also need to understand the atmosphere like what my child will do if he/she will watch my reacts and behavior.
Superb post!
Thank you Jack Wills, your words instil confidence in me