Sick and tired of nagging your teenager? Well, you don’t have to! Here’s what to do instead, so you have a wonderful relationship with your teen!

When you have a toddler and you’re reading to them, they often have a favorite book. They’ll ask you to read it again and again and again, till you get sick and tired of it!

Constant repetition is how young children learn, and parents soon get into the habit of repeating things. But once your child enters their pre-teen or teen years, this repetition suddenly becomes annoying and gets a new name – nagging!

What is Nagging?

To nag is to constantly irritate a person by reminding them, urging them or finding fault. Nagging is something all children complain about at some point in their lives, usually around puberty. 

So parents nag, kids throw tantrums and everything’s a mess. So does anything good come out of nagging? I’m afraid not! In fact, even science says that parents’ incessant nagging, complaining or criticizing causes parts of kids’ brains to actually shut down. So no, they aren’t even hearing you anymore! 

Why don’t teens listen?

1. They’re discovering their sense of self. Your teenager is beginning to discover their own identity, their own self. They no longer want to follow you around everywhere or do everything you ask – they want to make their own decisions. Unfortunately, that includes ignoring you to some extent!

2. It’s not fun. Teenagers are all about having fun, and they are immensely reluctant to do anything that doesn’t fall under their definition of ‘fun’. Why wash the dishes or finish that assignment when you can play a game or hang out at the mall with your friends?

3. They’re getting the wrong message. When you nag, what you are saying is that they should clean their room, but your teenager hears something else. They hear you being upset with their incompetence, their immaturity and their inadequacies. This hurts, especially during a stage when they’re already grappling with self-doubt.

4. The instructions are unclear. Sometimes we expect our kids to be mind-readers and just do things right away. We forget that they may not know how to start or how to finish a task properly. Given how teen minds work, they may be hesitant to admit they need help, so they simply don’t start.

5. They have a lot on their plate. Kids today have a lot to deal with – school, extracurricular activities, friends, relationships, physical changes, college applications and much more. Nagging your teenager just makes them feel like they’re being overburdened with more things to do.

6. It’s all about you. When you nag, it’s often in the form of a lecture – hardly ever is it a discussion or a two-way dialogue. You may be dumping some unresolved issues on your child when you nag, and making it all about how inconvenienced you are when they don’t listen, rather than about why they’re actually resisting.

So it’s proven – nagging doesn’t work. But we know what does! Here are some crucial tips that you can implement to improve your life right away, that don’t include nagging your teenager!

Stop Nagging Your Teenager – Do This Instead

1. Clarify your Expectations

To stop nagging your teenager, the first step is to have an honest conversation with your child. Let them know that you hate nagging as much as they do, and that you can work together to avoid it in the future. For this, let them know your expectations clearly, laying down rules and guidelines in simple language. For example, they should take the trash out every night after dinner, or feed the cat every day. 

2. Decide on Consequences

Once you’ve set down some ground rules and cleared your expectations, comes the main part that’ll make this plan work – consequences. You’ve told your child what to do, but they don’t – what happens next? Let them know that you are not going to remind them again – instead, they will have to face the consequences. Decide on natural consequences that tie in with the task. These can be extra chores, or having to sacrifice privileges like using the car, going out with friends, etc. 

3. Prepare for Backlash

You’ve laid down your rules and made consequences clear, but don’t relax yet – your teen is yet to agree! Teenagers are naturally rebellious, so expect some resistance from their end. They are likely to oppose a few things or try to negotiate things in their favor. Listen to them, and you can consider any reasonable requests, but don’t be swayed by emotions – you need to stay firm if you want to stop nagging your teenager!

4. Reframe Your Speech

The way we speak to our children is always important, but this is particularly important for teenagers, since they are sensitive and can take things to heart. If you’re trying to show your teen the right way to do something, don’t demean them in the process. Don’t make them feel like they’re useless, or like they’re never going to be enough for you. Avoid lectures at all costs – break up your wisdom into bite-sized pieces and distribute them one at a time!

5. Choose Progress Over Perfection

When we ask our teenagers to do something, we have to do so realizing that things may not be done 100% the way we want. Our children are their own people, and they may find their own ways to do things. It’s something to be encouraged, as it is a sign that they think for themselves. Yes, some tasks may be finished in a manner that’s less than satisfactory, but that’s okay. It’s also okay if your kids have some flexibility with regard to the timeline, rather than a deadline that’s carved in stone.

6. Show Your Appreciation

Finding fault, or rather, nagging your teenager, is easy, although unpleasant. As parents, we need to change our mindset and try to look at the good things our kids do and acknowledge them. Even if they don’t act like it, our teens still crave our love and admiration, and a word of appreciation from us can make their day. Again, don’t expect that sullen expression to change, but they’re sure to be smiling inside!

7. Pick Your Battles

Finally, realize that not all battles need to be fought, let alone won. You don’t have to pick a fight for every small thing; you can let many of these slide. You’ll have to decide for yourself what you are prepared to ignore and what you are not willing to compromise on, like internet safety, for instance. This will give you peace of mind, too, as you can let things go more easily without fretting over every eye-roll or shoulder-shrug.

When nagging your teenager, we sometimes forget that we were once teenagers ourselves, and we’ve heard our own share of nagging. It wasn’t fun then, and it isn’t fun now, and it’s high time we find a new way to communicate with our children. 

Even after you start your new anti-nagging plan, you may find yourself opening your mouth to nag – the force of habit! At such times, think about what your ultimate goal is – a loving home environment where everyone does their part and every member has open, honest communications with each other.

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 Prerna is the founder, editor and owner of ‘Maa of All Blogs’, one of India’s Top Parenting Blogs. Besides being a certified Ashtanga Yoga instructor, she is also a fashion designer and economics graduate.

When she’s not busy running her home and business, she ensures she stays active – whether it’s running the half marathon, completing the Oxfam walk or climbing to the Everest base camp. Prerna enjoys wearing all her hats, and she does so in style!

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