This Saturday at Tat-Twam workshop, which had been designed for dealing with kids emotions I discussed my kid with Saisha, who was conducting the workshop. After a long discussion she put me at ease with my issues, and which I realised were mine and not my child’s.
What she told me has stayed with me;
We need to embrace our kids and accept them with their unique personalities and not try hard to mould them into human beings we want them to be.
Isn’t it true for most of us? We have a set framework within which we try to fit our kid’s schedules and performances and sometimes even their personalities. Somehow these words have made me peace with myself and have decided not to push my kids any further. But as any parent I am not sure if this is the correct approach or not and I have my concerns. In fact, I have a lot of concerns. Being a mom to a Pre- Teen is not an easy job. I decided to rest a few of my concerns and some common concerns by discussing them with Freyaz Shroff of KurNiv kids, an organization which specializes in creating leaders and leadership driven mindsets for corporates, schools, parents, teachers & children.
Freyaz works on empowering individuals through allowing them to focus on the best that resides within them. She has addressed the United Nations’ Commission of the Status of Women in February 2012 and in 2012 won the Jamshed Pavri Humanitarian of the Year Award!
This is how our discussion went;
Even at this age peer pressure is a lot. Sometimes kids go out of their way to impress their friends. Sometimes they become loners and cut off with their friends and immerse themselves in books, TV, maybe the social media and prefer to live in a virtual world. Is this healthy? How to promote healthy social behaviour?
The fight for self-worth and self-esteem is a very real one to children of all ages, but especially when children are in their pre-teens and teens. There are so many hormonal changes, thought processes are not fully developed, but the emotion centres of the brain work in full swing. It is a tender age and if handled positively can lead children to have healthy self-esteem patterns for life.
- Reinforce Them!
From a young age help children develop an independent mindset. Allow them to choose their clothes, extracurricular activities they would like to do etc. Keep increasing the parameters of choice as they get older. Help them to know how proud you are of them for who they are who they continue to grow up to be. As they start feeling independent there will be an immediate increase in both their confidence and their level of trust in you.
Peer pressure revolves around the desire to fit in with the group; however the more independent and confident a child is the more likely they are to set the trend than to follow the trend.
- Teach them how to say No!
Help your children understand that the word “No” is not a bad word. The word “No” has prevented many a mishap and has protected many people from hurt or harm. Teach kids fun and cool ways to say No! “Nah man, Drugs are for losers” or “Dude hitting your girlfriend doesn’t make you cool, protecting her does!” Use their language; let them build a rapport with you. Ask them for ideas on how they can say No in “their language” when confronted with situations they don’t want to be a part of or in situations which they feel uncomfortable.
- Guide them towards choosing wisely!
At the end of the day it is all about the choices your children make. Make sure your children are knowledgeable about the pressing issues of the times; laws about underage sex, drinking, ragging etc. Help them to understand issues that may be uncomfortable to talk about such as their bodies, needs, drugs, dating, unrealistic expectations from friends and/or teachers.
Role play difficult situations with your kids, ask them what they would do if…
A guy persuaded her to be in a relationship, before she was ready for one
Friends asked her to stay out past her curfew
She failed in an exam
She finds herself in a situation in which she is uncomfortable
At the end of the day let your children know that they are in control, not you. That you trust them with their choices and that you are here to support them if ever they falter.
Remind them that if all else fail that you will happily take the fall. Give them the option of telling their friends that my mom will get upset or my mother has said no or that “my mom is not cool dude, I gotta go!” It’s okay if your reputation is a little on the stricter side as long as your child is safe, isn’t it? READ MORE
As a parent I have noticed kids also tend to get very sensitive at this age. What is your advise to parents on how to handle a sensitive child?
At the outset it is important to remember that sensitivity is not a bad thing. It is sensitivity which allows people to connect with others and allows for kindness, empathy and compassions to flow more easily; therefore allowing for fewer but longer lasting connections. It is the over feeling of emotions which leads to socializing challenges. This over feeling can be a result of low self esteem or unrealistic expectations of people to validate their feelings, also a bi-product of low self esteem.
- Sensitive children can be assisted by helping them define their expectations from a person or situation. Guide them towards what healthy expectations are vs. what over the top expectations may look like given the situation at hand.
- Help them identify what caused their feelings to get hurt. Grab a piece of paper and divide it into two parts. On the left have the child write down the situation which upset or bothered them. On the right have the child, along with you; explore the reality of the situation. So it would look something like this:
| What upset me | The Truth about What Upset me |
| Dad did not come to see my concert. He does not love me! | Dad and I just went for ice cream yesterday. Dad got busy with work. Daddy works so that we can stay happily and comfortable. Dad does love me! I will tell Dad I was sad that he missed my concert, but that I understand. I love my dad too! |
- Once the exercise above is completed speak with the child about what caused the initial reaction versus the truth about the situation and help them identify ways next time that they may be able to spare themselves the emotional anguish. This will, in time, help them develop a logical connect between emotion and reaction.
Today I see a lot of anger in young kids. Earlier these kind of mood swings and rebellious behaviours was seen in teenagers, now I see them in pre teens. How should parents deal with that?
Think of a two-year who hasn’t yet learned how to speak, when she wants something and is denied that something a tantrum ensues. She’s not trying to be difficult, she just doesn’t have the words to express to you why she needs that thing you are denying her and in frustration resorts to a tantrum. Well it works similarly in older kids and frankly even in adults.
We are creating a generation of children who are not learning how to effectively communicate. Excessive time on the phone, television and laptop is enabling children to hide behind surreptitious identities and allowing them access to information well before they are equipped to understand that information. The art of communication is being lost to the art of creating and maintaining an image.
Scientifically also it is important to know that excessive internet use atrophies the grey matter in a brain and this worsens as usage and age both grow. In other words we’re allowing their brains to waste away and thus leading to ‘inappropriate’ behavior.
Today’s inactive lifestyle both mentally and physically is affecting concentration, memory, the ability to make good choices and motivation.
Two groups of 18 university students were compared against each other. The first group spent about 13 hours a day online for 6 days a week. The second group spent less that two hours a day online for the same 6 days of the week. MRI brain images of the first group revealed an adverse effect on memory, emotions, speech, sight, hearing & motor controls, with minimal to no effect in the second group. The first group showed signs of brain atrophy where the second group did not.
Here’s the rule of thumb, children under 2 years of age should have ZERO screen time. After two years of age the maximum screen time should not be more than 4 hours per WEEK.
Bottom line, set an example for your kids. Put away your phones, shut down your laptops and engage with them, plan good old-fashioned outdoor play dates and let non-electronic team sports or games play a large role in their lives!
Hope that reading her interview will give you an insight in your child’s development. We have indulged her in more questions but that we will deal with another blog post. Mommies, daddies keep reading and posing questions to us, we will strive to address your concerns.
Till then,
Signing off,
