When you entered my life, it was the most amazing and life changing moment.
From there on I was to venture on a new road, a new endeavour. I had been a carefree person, but that had now ended. It was my responsibility to raise you and raise you properly, I decided. To inculcate in you all the values which my parents had brought me up with and some which I had learned from the ways of the world.
When you were one and a half years, you made your first friend. While you were very social, the other kids took their time to open up and play with you. Some kids pushed you and snatched the toys away from you, leaving you in tears. My heart would sink in and I wanted chide them, but then I wanted you to learn to handle bullies on your own and learn to share. I remembered how my dad had left me alone in a new city on my first day of college and asked me to find my way back to my uncle’s place. My mom had freaked out, and I too had misunderstood him. I remember being scared, but finding my way back home. That day, seeing you find your way amongst the bullies, I understood my dad.
When you were four, you picked up a toy from the neighbour’s house and brought it back home. You were too innocent, then, to understand the gravity of the deed. I saw the toy and asked you to go back and return it. My neighbour told me that it was no big deal ,as you were just a kid. Yet, I insisted on her taking it back. I made you understand that it was not a nice thing to take things from others, without a person’s permission. It is called ‘stealing’. I was transported back in the era when I had picked a five rupee note from my mom’s drawer without her permission and she had made me understand the concept of ‘stealing’. It had left a deep impact on me and inculcated a deep sense of honesty in me. I want to pass that to you.
When you turned five, I brought your little brother into this world. He came in with doting eyes. He would follow you everywhere like a puppy. He would copy everything you did, every move you made. You were also responsible now, in bringing up a new being and my responsibility had doubled. I became harsh on you, as your actions would have double the repercussions.
You saw a changed mommy! I was no longer as attentive to you as earlier. I was also struggling to get hold of this new situation. You closed up and confided less in me. You did extremely well academically and I thought you were fine. I got busy with the new baby and we spent less time together. But you were still my perfect child.
When you were seven, you had a school competition and as usual I wanted you to excel. We worked hard together and you took to school all the materials for the competition. When you came back home and I asked you about the competition. You told me how you had shared most of your material with a friend as she had forgotten to get her own. I should have been proud of you, instead, I was worried. I was worried that you were way too innocent to survive the fierce competition in the world. I remember telling you not to share your stuff with anyone the next time. I am sorry, son, when I look back, I went against my values then.
When you were eight, you lied to me and hid your homework from me. And when I found out, I lashed at you and lost my trust. It did not help and you closed yourself more.
Time has flown and today when you’re nine, I realise my mistakes as a mom. It’s time for me to be honest and accept that I have fallen short of my responsibilities. I have not devoted enough time to you. I am not a perfect mom, and I do not expect you to be a perfect child anymore. I humbly accept my failings and let’s work on our relationship together and let’s do it honestly.